August 17

My father was a good driver. And he drove fast. I used to sit in the back seat and observe everything he did. He explained to me how car driving should be done.

- You have to brake before the road turns, and then start to accelerate on the way out of the turn, he said. That makes the driving smooth and comfortable.

- You should always move aside when someone faster wants to pass, and always wait for slower drivers to move aside when you want to pass, he said. And when they do, you should always thank them by waving or flashing the lights.

He showed me how to flash the rear indicator lamps; left, right, left.

I don’t remember ever being afraid. I thought he was the best driver and I felt safe. But my mother was afraid. I remember her holding on to the grip above the door, breathing in and out. Sometimes she screamed a little. Ooh! No! Watch out! I even remember her trying to get out of the car once we were driving on a serpentine road on Gran Canaria.

- What are you doing?! Close the door, he said and stopped the car.

- No , I can’t handle this, she said and opened the door a little more.

- Yes, you can, he said. It’s not dangerous. I’m driving really safely.

Obviously she had to continue inside the car with us and we returned safely to the hotel a couple of hours later. My mother exhausted by fear and my father frustrated by her lack of trust. I never understood why she was so afraid. I thought we were perfectly safe.

I think I got a little from both of them. I learnt how to drive a car fast and safe. Yes, I’m an excellent driver! And I learnt how to be afraid when someone else is driving.

I go to work by bus. It is usually the same driver every day. He is so nice. He is funny and friendly. He stops the bus anywhere someone wants to get on or off the bus. He takes detours to let people walk less when it’s rainy. But he drives as if he had stolen the bus and stuffed it with cocaine. He is known as the Rally-driver.

In his bus I have been a lot like my mother. I hyperventilate and check several times that the seat belt is fastened. I also choose to sit in the bus on the basis of which seat I think is the safest if we would crash. (I vote for those in the center of the bus, next to the aisle.) I don’t scream but once I told him I was afraid. He was just laughing at me and then he drove as fast the next day.

Today he told me and the other passengers that he got a letter from somebody who had driven behind him and measured his speed. That person was very upset and wrote that the Rally-driver was driving dangerously fast, faster than 110 km/h on the small road. The writer had chosen to be anonymous so our bus driver could not respond to him/her or defend himself. He was a bit sad about it, I think. I think he felt sad because someone doesn’t trust him when he himself knows he is driving safe.

Then I suddenly thought about my father and the feeling of being safe there in the back seat when I was a child. And I though that the Rally-driver is driving a lot like my father used to do. It’s the way he drives fast, but manage to keep the bus steady by braking before the turns, and then speeding out of the turns. I never jump around on the seat, my back is always glued to the seats backrest. Actually the feeling is quite familiar and relaxing in a way and reminds me of my childhood. 

Thus, I leaned back and closed my eyes and let the Rally-driver sweep me fastly towards my home.

August 06

A summer has passed and we will soon face the autumn. It’s ok, but it’s always like taking a big leap into something new. The days of work means less freedom and more claims. On the positive side it also means more creativity and possibility to work with the things I love to do and maybe make a change for some people or companies.

I spend time in the city of Umeå. I buy some new clothes. It’s mostly a matter of arming my self, the clothes are my new armour and I am the knight who now walks towards new challenges. I like to build up a character before I start something new. It protects me a little bit from stress and makes everything a little bit more fun. I can be someone else and that person can handle much harder tasks than I think I can do myself.

Maybe I should have an alter ego and really build a person I can use at work? She can be my armour against difficult tasks and situations that are hard to handle. That is what stylists do. They help famous people to build a person in which they put all the good properties the famous person needs/wants and then they leave the rest outside of this character. Of course I don’t have my own stylist, but I can I try to do this myself.

So who is this business character I want to be?

Professional skills:

• Her super strength is the possibility to see patterns and how different things are connected and how the contribute to sustainable development. Her brain is making huge mind maps of people, recourses, processes and goals.
• Her delivery is always suited for the customer and helps the customer to continue developing from her/his situation.

Personal skills:

• Her best quality is humour. By seeing the funny things in life she can help people to relax and be creative.
• She is also a good listener, but she can also give advice when people need that.
• She is not afraid of telling people what she thinks, even if they have another opinion. (I have to remember this, because this is hard!)

Appearance:

•       She dare to look how she want’s.

That should be enough for now.

July 13

We follow the small roads through forests and fields. We pass villages with names like; Stensvassa, Normlösa, Västra Husby, Bjärka-Säby, Lotorp and Butbro. A deer look back on us from a field. A group of horses find shadow in a grove of oakes. A field with wheat and cornflower undulates in the breeze. The smell of rain and the sight of a lake shimmering between dark spruces speaks wordlessly to me.

This is Östergötland, my homeland. I am imprinted on this scenery. My body respond to it without my will. There is nothing I can do about it. It simply communicates, “be with me”.